“What are you doing? He is already engaged and getting married in few weeks!” This question always injects a restlessness and confusion in her and makes her mind and heart go numb. She can’t decide whether this is a warning that the time is running out or it is a reminder and she should stop and try to rollback the things. She gets confused, the battle between what she wants and what should happen. The wait for something which she knew should not happen and is not going to happen but still there is some hope and more than the hope it is her inapt tenacity, which she thinks is inapt.
And then she finds herself swinging between these two virtues of hers. What should she do? That old fashioned pendulum clock in the room which she used to like, is what she is looking at. The thought strikes, “Isn’t she like that now a days”, only difference being that she is having more oscillating moods and thoughts and decisions than that pendulum.
She is not trusting herself these days. She is experiencing new things about herself. The aspects which were like buried deep somewhere and started to surface now a days. How it feels when you dont know what you are? How it feels to be a stranger to yourself. You never thought you can think like that. She is shivering with these cold icy thougths and needs some warmth but that doesn’t justify burning someone’s home to get it. She is hating herself.
But then sometimes the happiness is the only thing that one can see. Nothing beyond that. Nothing before that. Nothing apart from that.
“I should confront all at least once to him. He definitely has got something towards me. Every now and then those small gestures cement this fact. May be he is expecting some move from my side. Yes I should not ruin this stage set by the fate. I should act the way I want, the way He wants me to. I don’t want to think and suffer about those ‘what-ifs’ later and that I did had an opportunity to get what I wanted but I thought about it a lot and saw everything going away from me that could have been mine.”
The oscillations each day. The uncertainty each night.
“OK Enough! What if he is not thinking in the same manner? What if he has got nothing for me? I should act a bit mature. I can’t take every thing as some signal. It is his nature and I think he behaves like this with everybody.”
“Is it possible?” Thats the problem of being imaginative and thinking a lot. You start to infiltrate and cross the line. But whats the problem with that? The beauty of thoughts is the same that it can come out of the comfort zones and wander in to the unknown and unexplored territories of which you never thought about.
He is tired of these thoughts now. He has tried everything to neglect all these. Putting on headphones has restricted the voices coming to his ears, but he has failed to found a way to get rid of the thunder voices inside his mind. They say an empty vessel makes a lot of noice but in his case it is turning out to be opposite.
He doesn’t know over what he is fighting himself.
Somewhere inside him he has got feelings for her too but then how is he going to break this in front of everybody, his parents. How? What will they think of me now? What the society will think? Its late now.
Better late than never?
He is torn between these two. Immature and unsteady thoughts is what he can term these. He too wants to live his life the way he wants but all his wishes chained in those norms of society are suffocating there and approaching towards a silent death.
“And is she actually thinking the same way? I can see that in her eyes, the spark when she meets me. Trying to devise and plot conditions so that we can meet. Our daily conversations and several other things.”
“I should confront all at least once to her. She definitely has got something towards me. Every now and then those small gestures cement this fact. May be she is expecting some move from my side. Yes I should not ruin this stage set by the fate. I should act the way I want, the way He wants me to. I don’t want to think and suffer about those ‘what-ifs’ later and that I did had an opportunity to get what I wanted but I thought about it a lot and saw everything going away from me that could have been mine.”
The oscillations each day. The uncertainty each night.
“OK Enough! What if she is not thinking in the same manner? What if she has got nothing for me? I should act a bit mature. I can’t take every thing as some signal. It is her nature and I think she behaves like this with everybody.”
Amidst all this maturity and assumptions of maturity, a flower never blossomed that could have been the best flower in the garden. a sky which never got its share of moonlight.
They definitely are connected to each other but they are not seeing it. They don’t want to. But neglecting all this, closing and turning around the eyes off it can’t diminish the feelings they have for each other. It is very much there, between them. And they both know this.
Under that dark tree of love, they keep giving love and light to everyone and everything but between them it was just dark.
So close yet so far… attached with something but pretending to be unknown to everything.
PS: In the end, I actually got reminded of these lines penned by Javed Akhtar for the movie Silsila.
मजबूर ये हालात, इधर भी हैं उधर भी
तन्हाई की एक रात, इधर भी हैं उधर भी
कहने को बहुत कुछ है मगर, किस से कहें हम
कब तक यूँ ही खामोश रहें, और सहें हम
दिल कहता है दुनिया की, हर एक रस्म उठा दें
दीवार जो हम दोनों में है, आज गिरा दें
क्यूँ दिल में सुलगते रहें, लोगों को बता दें
हाँ हमको मोहब्बत है, मोहब्बत है, मोहब्बत
अब दिल में यही बात, इधर भी है उधर भी