Daftar Ka Punchnama

I don’t know how much people have liked the movie ‘Pyaar Ka Punchnama’, but i have liked it a lot. My previous post may have delivered this to you. And in fact there is not only me but others too, I have found at my workplace, who are becoming fan of the movie. And one such guy is this Vikas Bhatt. One of the main reason we bond closer is, definitely our obsession with this movie. Every now and then, various dialogues and scenes of the movie are recited in our conversation. No doubt ‘Liquid’ steals the show for us because of his hatred about the work place and there, like many others, we connect to his role. Aur ek din yun hi baaton baaton mein, accidentally Vikas started to recreate the Rajjo’s 5 minute rant taking workplace and people there in to account. And as they say ki kharbooje ko dekh kar kharbooja rang badalata hai, I found myself joining him in no time. We reproduced most of Rajjo’s dialogue as far as we could remember. And then suddenly an idea popped up in my mind *evil grin* 😉 “WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN RAJJO’S DIALOGUE HAD THEY BEEN DELIVERED BY LIQUID!” Bas! We recreated the complete rant with reference to the workplace. Check this out and comment about what you feel.

 

 

And here are the complete dialogues…

arrey yaar!

kya arrey yaar? koi problem hai?

problem! problem ye hai ki woh manager hai aur main resource. aur kya problem hai.

problem ye hai ki main chahta hoon ki main office mein aaram se kaam karoon.

lekin agar main office mein aaram se kaam kar hoon toh ye uski life ki sabse badi problem hai.

bullshit he is angry yaar! bullshit he is worried yaar!

ussey toh khush hona chahiye…celebrate karna chahiye, because isn’t that exactly what he wants!

 

seriously yaar. aajkal toh jab bhi mooh kholta hai lagta hai poora ka poora cubicle thoons doon mooh mein uske.

kasam se yaar inn teen saal mein I had it all. sab dekh liya maine

 

abe kaun sa job? kaisi company? kaisa project?

IT mein job ka matlab hi hota hai – “An End To Your Personal Life”!

iske baad all u got to worry about is-

late night working, project ka deployment, clients ke saath call.

appraisals! salary hike! sabse jyaada important hai aur sabse jyaada worry waali cheez wahi hoti hai.

project ke liye kuch bhi yaar.project ke naam pe kuch bhi karaate hain.

project ki release date. arrey module ki release date hai to late night work karna padega!

saala ek zamaana ho gaya, shaam ka dhalta suraj dekha tha hamne.

 

aur ye managers na! bhai, inn managers ko koi bhi khush nahi rakh sakta.

“A Happy Manager is a Myth”

tu kisi bhi employee ko dekh le naa.

jab woh kisi doosre project mein hoga toh ek manager kya bolega-

“tum to kaafi hard working lagte ho! kaafi intelligent ho!

kaam khatam karke jaldi ghar chale jaate ho.thats good.

sabko jaldi hi kaam khatam karke ghar chale jaana chahiye.

i would love to have you in my project.”

aur jab wahi resource uske project mein aa gaya toh saala manager kya bolega-

“tumhaara kaam mein mann kyun nahi lagta?

tumhaare experience ke hisaab se ye kaam toh tumhe ab tak khatam kar dena chahiye tha.

tumhe itni jaldi kyun padi rehti hai office se jaane ki?

sab log rukte hain to tum bhi ruk jaaya karo.”

saala apna ullu seedha karne ke liye kuch bhi bolte hain.

samjhte kya hain hum logon ko! aise hi resource nahi bola jaata bhai hum logon ko.

bataa raha hoon. because for them we are just resource whom they can exploit.

insaan toh samjha hi nahi jaata hum logon ko. we are just resource for them.

 

sab kuch na, sab kuch kiya dhara inn thok ke bhaav khule engineering colleges ka hai.

saala 4 saal ki engineering… BE/BTech ki degree… 100% placement…

bas kahani khatam!

saala iske baad ki kahani koi nahi batata. iske baad ki kahani main batata hoon.

iske baad aadmi do ghanta late aaya –

“tum itna late kyun aate ho?”

do ghante jaldi pahunch jao –

“tum itni jaldi aakar karte kya ho?”

 

Saala demands and expectations khatam nahi hoti yaar inki.

ek to jo high priority task hota hai inka kabhi batate nahin hain.

uske liye pehle do week kahenge, do week dimaag chatenge ki iske liye ek document banao.

aisa document inko banaa ke do. uske baad, do hafte pehle chaatenge aur document banwaayenge.

uske baad jab inko bhejo to ek sadaa sa chhita do line ka mail aayega inka bas –

“we will discuss this in meeting.”

aur meeting mein hota kuch nahi hai. aadhe ghante ke baad it was decided ki-

“ek kaam karte hain. tumko do hafte ka time aur dete hain. iska updated version banao document ka.”

aur ye saala aisa document jisko koi nahi padne waala.

 

saala kaam kar rahe ho, beech mein mail aa jaata hai inka –

“look in to this.”

mail ka reply do –

“sir abhi i am busy. i will look into this later on. i am busy in a high priority task.”

toh ek aur mail karenge. phone kar denge uske saath –

“ek baar isko dekh lo pehle.”

abe dekh lunga to tujhe kya mil jayega mere baap.

naa ye kaam kar paunga naa woh kaam.

baad mein bologe dono kaam nahi hue.

 

sabse jyaada, sabse jyaada dimaag ki dahi toh iss lotus, communicator aur outlook ne kar rakhi hai.

har thodi der mein pop up…pop up…lo ek aur pop up.

saala ghar pe baith kar kaam kar rahe hain aur usmein bhi inka pop up aaya jaa raha hai.

subject line…urgent! ek toh koi mail inka aisa hota nahin jiski subject line urgent naa ho.

sab ke sab hi urgent. abe koi toh mail bhejo jiska urgent naa ho subject line.

aur din mein jyaada mails aane se ghante badh jaate hain din ke?

arrey mat puchh bhai. bahut buri haalat kar rakhi hai inn logon ne.

iske baad inke mail ka jawaab bhi do inn logon ko.

“why your performance has degraded since last few months?

i don’t know why i choose you for this project.”

abe mujhe kya pata why you chose me for this project.

ghar jaake apni biwi se puchh le!

aur ab jab samajh mein aa hi gaya hai toh mere baap release karde iss project se.

 

tujhe bata raha hoon bhai, jahan bhi likha rehta hai naa ki

we aim for employee satisfaction, sab jhooth hai. pakke se jhooth hai.

inn logon ko agar matter karta hai toh bas high level pe baithe employees ka satisfaction aur kuch nahi.

 

kuch urgent kaam kar rahe ho, inka meeting request ka pop up aa jaata hai.

poore din mein ek toh pachchees meeting karwaate hain ye log.

accept karo. meeting karo. wapas aao.

phir aadhe ghante mein ek aur pop up.

“you are a very responsible resource. you should attend these meetings.”

abe kaam kya karte hain ye manager din bhar. meeting request hi bhejte rehte hain kya?

do meeting request accept mat kariyo, phir dekh kaise lagegi teri.

ek dum extension pe call aayega. seedhe call aayega tere ko extension pe –

“i don’t think you are serious about your project.”

thodi der mein you are very responsible resource se i don’t think you are serious about this project.

and this is when the project is going as per the deadlines, as per the expectations.

sab kuch time pe ho raha hai to bhi inko dikkat hai.

 

ab pata chala ye software engineer naa, aisi haalat kyun rehti hai inn logon ki.

aur ye naa HR aur administration waale kyun itne khush rehte hain.

because they don’t have a manager on top of their heads to screw their happiness by reminding the bloody deadlines.

 

log kehte hain naa ki IT waalo ke yahan toh paisa barasta rehta hai.

lekin ye koi nahi kehta ki sabse jyaada gareebi mein bhi IT waale bande hi rehte hain.

kabhi andar jhaank kar dekho, garrebi se joojhte hue hi milenge IT waale bas.

 

saala kaam kar rahe hain koi pool ya table tennis thodi hi khel rahe hain.

phir bhi seat par aa aa kar poochhenge- “What are you doing?”

iske baad jaane se pahle inhe DSR bhejo.

kuch achcha implement karna ho toh pachaas baar inka approval lo.

aur iske beech mein, agar tumhe kabhi do minute ki chain ki saans leni ho…

tumne aankh band kari aise aaram se. itni der mein phir se koi tumhaare sar par aakar khada ho jaayega.

tum dekhoge – manager! “what are you doing?”

kuch nahi soch raha mere baap. main soch raha hoon ki kyun main iss line mein aa gaya.

 

main tujhe bata raha hoon you never discuss any thing with your manager.

because every discussion with a manager actually results in a meeting.

aur meeting mein toh ye kisi ko kuch bolne hi nahi dete bhai.

hum developers task ka implementation perspective dekhte hain.

ki ye kaam ho sakta hai ki nahi, ho sakta hai to kaise hoga, kitna time lagega.

lekin inko ye cheez koi matter nahi karti. inko naa sirf end result chahiye.

implementation perspective jaisi tuchchi si cheez ke liye ye client se kabhi negotiate nahi karne waale?

aur ek baat bata doon. jo abhi current mein issue aayega usko kabhi discussion nahi karenge ye log.

iska discussion hoga do mahine baad jab uski deadline aayegi.

aur woh tab hoga jab tumhe yaad nahi hoga ki do mahine pehle kya discuss hua tha.

sochte kya hain, iski deadline toh do mahine baad hai. isko baad mein dekhte hain.

tab ki tab dekhenge.

 

chhutti nahi dete bhai bilkul bhi. tu kabhi try kar liyo leave maang kar.

tujhe lagega ki iss baar toh solid reason lekar jaa raha hoon, iss baar to leave le kar hi rahoonga.

lekin tabhi ek gadaa hua murda ukhaad ke laayenge- “you are supposed to do this work.”

tujhe yaad bhi nahi hoga ki ye kaam tujhe kabhi assign bhi hua tha.

phir bhi you are supposed to do this work.

suddenly all your discussion about your leave will flush down the gutter and mudda banega ki

“you were supposed to do this work.”

abe kab assign kiya tha mere ko. kaun assign karta hai.

tum manager ho, tum assign karte ho mere ko. mere ko toh kabhi nahi assign kiya tumne.

kuch bhi divide karte ho kaam. kuch bhi assign karte ho kaam.

saala woh agar client se kuch requirements discuss nahi kar paaya, kyun? because he was busy.

aur tumne koi tuchcha sa document, jissey saala koi padhega bhi nahi, woh tumne nahi banaya toh you are irresponsible.

 

saala company join karaate hi naa, ab samajh mein aaya ki business communication ka session kyun rakhte hain?

kyunki woh tumhe batana chahte hain ki beta ab tumhe aisa hi sun’ne ko milega.

inkaa signature style hota hai ye baat karne ka.

 

achha ab ye baat bataa mera manager tere paas kyun aaya tha?

tu mera TL hai toh tere paas aakar meri baat karega.

ab tu ek baat bataa, ab main uske senior ke paas jaakar kuch bolun toh woh kya sochega.

“kyun tum toh mere senior ke paas meri complaint karne gaye they!

tum unko batanaa chahte ho ki i am not managing the project effectively!

why don’t you go to the CEO directly? ya phir sabko ek mail daal do mentioning all my flaws?”

 

saala kuch nahi ho sakta inn sofware engineers ka main bataa raha hoon bhai.

apni zindagi aise hi katne waali hai. aise hi kaam karte rahenge.

office mein kaam karo, daftar mein kaam karo aur yahan ghar pe aakar phir kaam karte raho ye.

kyun aa gaya main iss line mein…kyun aa gaya main iss line mein.

ye problem hai meri…ab samjha!!!

 

This is a maiden and very novice attempt and  i am not sure whether u like this video or not but that didn’t restrict me to pay enough thanks to two guys. Of course Vikas Bhatt and the man behind the camera Hemant Jain, who not only held the camera, make the arrangements but also played an important role in directing this video along with several modifications in the dialogues. Thanks guys! This would have not been possible without your support 🙂

PS: iss post ke sabhi patra aur ghatnaayein kaalpanik hain. inka ka kisi bhi jeevit ya mrut vyakti athvaa ghatnaa se koi sambandh nahi hai. agar aisa hota hai toh issey maatra ek sanyog kahaa jaayega! 😉

Request: This is just a spoof and thus please take it in good spirits. My intention is not to offend anybody by any word stated here. It is just for some healthy humor. And even after this, if anybody feels offended, I apologize in advance for that.