That Silence

“What are you doing? He is already engaged and getting married in few weeks!” This question always injects a restlessness and confusion in her and makes her mind and heart go numb. She can’t decide whether this is a warning that the time is running out or it is a reminder and she should stop and try to rollback the things. She gets confused, the battle between what she wants and what should happen. The wait for something which she knew should not happen and is not going to happen but still there is some hope and more than the hope it is her inapt tenacity, which she thinks is inapt.

And then she finds herself swinging between these two virtues of hers. What should she do? That old fashioned pendulum clock in the room which she used to like, is what she is looking at. The thought strikes, “Isn’t she like that now a days”, only difference being that she is having more oscillating moods and thoughts and decisions than that pendulum.

She is not trusting herself these days. She is experiencing new things about herself. The aspects which were like buried deep somewhere and started to surface now a days. How it feels when you dont know what you are? How it feels to be a stranger to yourself. You never thought you can think like that. She is shivering with these cold icy thougths and needs some warmth but that doesn’t justify burning someone’s home to get it. She is hating herself.

But then sometimes the happiness is the only thing that one can see. Nothing beyond that. Nothing before that. Nothing apart from that.

“I should confront all at least once to him. He definitely has got something towards me. Every now and then those small gestures cement this fact. May be he is expecting some move from my side. Yes I should not ruin this stage set by the fate. I should act the way I want, the way He wants me to. I don’t want to think and suffer about those ‘what-ifs’ later and that I did had an opportunity to get what I wanted but I thought about it a lot and saw everything going away from me that could have been mine.”

The oscillations each day. The uncertainty each night.

“OK Enough! What if he is not thinking in the same manner? What if he has got nothing for me? I should act a bit mature. I can’t take every thing as some signal. It is his nature and I think he behaves like this with everybody.”

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“Is it possible?” Thats the problem of being imaginative and thinking a lot. You start to infiltrate and cross the line. But whats the problem with that? The beauty of thoughts is the same that it can come out of the comfort zones and wander in to the unknown and unexplored territories of which you never thought about.

He is tired of these thoughts now. He has tried everything to neglect all these. Putting on headphones has restricted the voices coming to his ears, but he has failed to found a way to get rid of the thunder voices inside his mind. They say an empty vessel makes a lot of noice but in his case it is turning out to be opposite.

He doesn’t know over what he is fighting himself.

Somewhere inside him he has got feelings for her too but then how is he going to break this in front of everybody, his parents. How? What will they think of me now? What the society will think? Its late now.

Better late than never?

He is torn between these two. Immature and unsteady thoughts is what he can term these. He too wants to live his life the way he wants but all his wishes chained in those norms of society are suffocating there and approaching towards a silent death.

“And is she actually thinking the same way? I can see that in her eyes, the spark when she meets me. Trying to devise and plot conditions so that we can meet. Our daily conversations and several other things.”

“I should confront all at least once to her. She definitely has got something towards me. Every now and then those small gestures cement this fact. May be she is expecting some move from my side. Yes I should not ruin this stage set by the fate. I should act the way I want, the way He wants me to. I don’t want to think and suffer about those ‘what-ifs’ later and that I did had an opportunity to get what I wanted but I thought about it a lot and saw everything going away from me that could have been mine.”

The oscillations each day. The uncertainty each night.

“OK Enough! What if she is not thinking in the same manner? What if she has got nothing for me? I should act a bit mature. I can’t take every thing as some signal. It is her nature and I think she behaves like this with everybody.”

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Amidst all this maturity and assumptions of maturity, a flower never blossomed that could have been the best flower in the garden. a sky which never got its share of moonlight.

They definitely are connected to each other but they are not seeing it. They don’t want to. But neglecting all this, closing and turning around the eyes off it can’t diminish the feelings they have for each other. It is very much there, between them. And they both know this.

Under that dark tree of love, they keep giving love and light to everyone and everything but between them it was just dark.

So close yet so far… attached with something but pretending to be unknown to everything.

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PS: In the end, I actually got reminded of these lines penned by Javed Akhtar for the movie Silsila.

मजबूर ये हालात, इधर भी हैं उधर भी

तन्हाई की एक रात, इधर भी हैं उधर भी

कहने को बहुत कुछ है मगर, किस से कहें हम

कब तक यूँ ही खामोश रहें, और सहें हम

दिल कहता है दुनिया की, हर एक रस्म उठा दें

दीवार जो हम दोनों में है, आज गिरा दें

क्यूँ दिल में सुलगते रहें, लोगों को बता दें

हाँ हमको मोहब्बत है, मोहब्बत है, मोहब्बत

अब दिल में यही बात, इधर भी है उधर भी

The Burning

 

She hates smoking. He loves cigarettes. But he loves her too. And she hates smoking.

He knows that she knows he loves her. Or may be she does not. But he is sure, about himself.

And one day he quits smoking per se. She thinks so, but it was for her.

And then one day again. He came to knew that its over. He will have to lead his life without her.

And he lighted a cigarette. She didn’t knew. She was still not sure, “I thought you had quit smoking and said that now you are serious about your life.”

“I did”, he said before a brief pause as if he is taking time to recall the awesomeness of getting burnt and the things he used to feel when inhaling that tobacco dipped smoke.

He finished without speaking anything. The brief pause has got stretched. The pause. She was still looking at him, awaiting something to come out of his mouth apart from the smoke. An answer. An answer she is expecting. An answer to a question, she never asked.

He spoke finally, ”I did! But whats the use of this life anyways, without you”.

And he took out one more. The burning continues, both, the visible and the invisible. Some smoke was seen, some not.

Its Your Turn

सिगरेट भी बुझ गयी
सूरज भी ढलने को है
जिंदगी
तेरी बारी भी आएगी

Disguised Thirst

he was about to drown
in his own life
just then
she appeared
and withheld the drown
pulled him
to the shore
on the land
the land of reality
and now
and now he is damn thirsty

Weekdays and Weekends

 

वह बोला, “आप लोग को पहले तो कभी नहीं देखा। यहाँ के नहीं लगते आप। यहाँ कैसे आना हुआ आपका?”

हम में से एक बोला, “बस वीकडेज पे काम करते करते थकान हो चली थी तो सोचा वीकेंड पे कहीं घूम कर आया जाए तो यहाँ आ गए।”

वह फिर बोला, “वीकडेज! वीकेंड! ये सब क्या होता है?”

हम में से एक और बोला, “वीकडेज मतलब जिस दिन हम काम करते हैं। एक हफ्ते में पांच दिन काम करते हैं हम। उसके बाद कहीं जाकर एक वीकेंड आता है। वो भी बस दो दिन का!”

उसने कुछ सोचा, “हमारा तो जी बस जब सूरज निकले सो वीकडे और जब सूरज ढले तो वीकेंड!” ऐसा बोला और अपने बैलों को हांकता हुआ खेतों की और चल दिया।

हम सब खामोश से एक दूसरे का चेहरा देखते रह गए।

ख्व़ाब, उम्मीद, ज़िन्दगी, ख्वाहिश, हसरत…

khwab, umeed, zindagi, khwahish, hasrat…

 

रोज़ हटाओ तोड़ो इनको, लौट के फिर आ जाते हैं
ये ख्वाब बड़े कमीने हैं, हर रोज़ हमें तड़पाते हैं

उम्मीद का चश्मा पहन, हर सुबह पार झाँकने की कोशिश
और लौटते वक़्त हमेशा, उसी मलाली को हमसफ़र पाते हैं

हर सांस के साथ ज़िन्दगी, और थकावट देती है
पोरों से रिस-रिस कर हरदम, थोडा और खोते जाते हैं

ख्वाहिशों की कीमत देकर, कुछ क़र्ज़ चुकाने की मजबूरी
आने वाले कल की खातिर, रोज़ अपने आज को बेच आते हैं

हालातों के बाज़ार में रोज़, यहाँ हसरतें नीलाम होती हैं
हर रात ख़्वाबों को फिर, ज़िन्दगी की शर-शैय्या पर पाते हैं

Supermen Of Malegaon!

Supermen of Malegaon portrays an un-told, un-cared, un-bothered, un-known yet a very inspirational story of a group of people in Malegaon who make spoofs of popular Bollywood and Hollywood movies. Supermen of Malegaon is a documentary turned movie of one such spoof in the making.

Distance-wise Malegaon is 300 kms from Mumbai but time-wise it is still around 300 months behind but for some people their craziness for film making here has taken a step ahead. The town is still caught under several age old social practices like women are not allowed to work anywhere except their home where, they think, there is never a shortage of work. This results in a serious problem of whom to cast as the female lead in the movie. Other than the leading lady, female roles are done by men dressed up as female and for the female lead they have to call up someone from outside the town.

The movumentary traverse through how they make movies with very limited resources and kept running frequently in financial problems. They faces several difficulties, which are quite big for them on their canvas. Their problems may seem to be nothing chintaa-worthy to the big producers in mayanagri who have got individual departments for every aspect of the movie but for Nasir in Malegaon, who is taking care of every department (!!!), they are pretty serious. But still there is some passion involved which drives Nasir and who in turn encourages his crew that, no matter what, they have to finish this race.

As some one rightly said in between that it is comedy which stays for long! He gives the reference of Charlie Chaplin and thus they aim to hand some laughs to everybody even if it comes at the cost of laughing at themselves.

They make you laugh unintentionally. Their efforts, their problems, their incidents tickles the funny bone but in between these laughsticks there are some candid moments too which makes you think. Even these guys have a vision about life. They have their version and you can clearly notice the veracity in those eye!

But in-spite of all these odds, still these people dream of making movies and they make them too!

Everybody dreams of Mayanagri Mumbai and only few of them make it to there. But there are some for whom Mumbai is not everything. Some person are happy where they are and that is what matters to them. And Nasir is one of them who never thinks of heading to Mumbai. He is happy in Malegaon and satisfied with what he is doing!

One last word for one of the crew member who regret not able to reach Mumbai yet, “You may have not been able to complete ‘that’ 300 kms journey to Mumbai but you guys surely have reached the hearts of many!”

PS: Thanks a zillion to PVR guys who have organized this PVR Director’s Rare where we less mortals can witness these under-rated and unexplored gems. Moreover, thank you again for screening few of those in E-Square Pune where there is no PVR.